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Paul and Schneider

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[01 Jan 2004|11:29am]
Dear Paul.

I have noticed the absence of said hypothetical shirt frm my wardrobe, and, interestingly enough, the presence of parts of it in our bathroom bin.

So if you wanted to know why I haven't been speaking to you for months, I now invite you to take a wild guess.

Be extra nice and I may find it in my heart to forgive you.


Spiel mit mir

[18 Aug 2003|12:18am]
[ mood | scared ]

Dearest Christoph...

You are making Gir nervous. Please stop yelling in her presence. She is young and impressionable - do you want her to hate her 2nd daddy? No. She must have kind, loving parents. Try touching her and petting her and talking to her nicely. She likes that. I would also appreciate it if you didn't tell me I was being silly for wanting to buy her a funny little mouse toy thing and milk treats. She is a kitten and wants to play [and I want to play with her] ... it is an important part of her development and I want to make sure she grows up with the best chances in life.

Another hypothetical question for you [to follow on from a few weeks ago]: Let's say that the kitten, whilst developing various social and... other skills, somehow became rather attached to your favourite shirt [the black one you said was made of posh material and was expensive and that has those button things on that are kind of like velcro but more difficult]. She then decided to use your shirt in one of her lessons of life [I must once again point out that this question is purely hypothetical] because she loved it, and you, and your divine scent so much. Somehow, she has - hypothetically - torn it to shreds.

What would be your hypothetical reaction?

Remember that I will love you forever, and I do that special thing in bed,

Paul xxx

PS - where did you buy said hypothetically damaged shirt?

Spiel mit mir

[16 Aug 2003|11:50pm]
Paul --

Fine. Have a cat, then.

You are so responsible for this when Flake's eel eats it and gives itself indigestion. Speaking of which, is he ever going to come pick that thing up? I'm getting sick of it looking at me from its bucket whenever I'm trying to do anything in the bathroom.

Also: promise to do that thing you were doing last night again and I'll never argue with you about the cat ever again.

Yours always,
1 found out I'm a one man guy :Þ | Spiel mit mir

[16 Aug 2003|12:31am]
[ mood | content ]

Dearest Doomeechen,

I have taken the liberty of getting a pet kitty. I have someone who can take care of it when we are away. Her name is Gir. She has had all her weird injections and is fully house trained. She has also been neutered and is 6 months old. She has a scratching post, and needs to be brushed once a week. We have to check her ears every now and then too. I will feed her as I don't trust you to not poison her. She's NOT a rat and she does NOT smell funny.

She's currently smelling your worn underwear as you enjoy your bath. I think she likes you =) She likes me more though. I've been cuddling her for a while now, while you just sit around. In a lot of ways, she's nicer than you are. She never mocks my height or my hair... never steals the drinks and she's softer... but then... her bites aren't quite the same as yours are... and I like your smell quite a bit better...

Still, I'm currently enjoying her company a lot more than your's. You have got the weirdest mood swings.


2 found out I'm a one man guy :Þ | Spiel mit mir

[05 Aug 2003|09:35am]
Paul --

What on earth have you done to the microwave? It looks like something crawled into it and died.

Also, I'd appreciate an explanation for the state of the fridge.

Can I not leave you alone in this house for five minutes?

And no, I will not be distracted by your happiness at seeing me again after all this time, or in any way by how you choose to express this happiness.


3 found out I'm a one man guy :Þ | Spiel mit mir

[08 Jun 2003|08:23am]
[ mood | sore ]

I have a cut on my leg.

Make it better.

-- Paul

4 found out I'm a one man guy :Þ | Spiel mit mir

[06 Jun 2003|11:41pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Dearest Doomy:

I resent being referred to as "The Little One" when you are amongst your weird friends. Just because I am small in comparison to your overgrown self, does not mean I am little.

Also: I want a pet.

Also also: all the alcohol has gone. Go get some more.

Also also also: I need a clean spoon to eat the syrup with - I just dropped this one. The others are all dirty. Bring me another one at your next convenient moment.

Also also also also: Teach me how to look sexy :'(

The syrup and I await your arrival impatiently.

-- Paul

6 found out I'm a one man guy :Þ | Spiel mit mir

[24 May 2003|09:02pm]
pual --

i swaer to god i am noft drunk but i relly realy lovbe yoiu even if yuo did eat my crssiant cwassont cranssan french bred shit and i sreeously you are ym favoruete boyfrend evahhhhhhhhh.

oh shit i jsut threw up on teh keybaord.
2 found out I'm a one man guy :Þ | Spiel mit mir

Happy Birthday! [11 May 2003|09:30am]
[ mood | mischievous ]

Dearest Doomy/Schneider/CHRISSY!

Happy Birthday

37 years young - almost as young as Till! But don't worry - you still look wonderful... no, even more wonderful!

I have something very special for your birthday tonight, and something very special for during the day, and ... for ever!

It's sexy, it's figure hugging...


it's ME!

OK, I have got you some more... but that was a great joke.

So! I am going to feed Flake's eel and then - down to business!

-- Paul

PS - Happy birthday
PPS - You look so good
PPPS - Happy birthday

1 found out I'm a one man guy :Þ | Spiel mit mir

[11 May 2003|08:30am]
Paul --

Whatever you think, I wasn't dancing around the room singing You're Gorgeous to myself in the mirror, I was vacuuming.

Not that I'd expect you to know what that looks like, so I can understand how the mistake could have been made.

So there'll be no need to mention it to anybody, right?

Okay. Let me put this another way. Say anything and you'll be sleeping on the couch for a month.

Yours always
-- C.D.S. (vacuuming)
1 found out I'm a one man guy :Þ | Spiel mit mir

[02 May 2003|02:14pm]
Dearest darling etc. --

I realise you were acting considerately when you agreed to look after Flake's eel while he's on holidays. But please get it out of the toilet.

-- C.D.S.

PS -- Which does not mean 'transfer it into the bath'.

PPS -- Or 'fill my matched luggage with water and put it in there', either.

PPPS -- You never tell me how great I look anymore.
2 found out I'm a one man guy :Þ | Spiel mit mir

=( [23 Apr 2003|11:06pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

I was there during the news... where were you?! Nowhere. To pass the time, I cleaned the very non-existent stain from the carpet and moved the chair back just in case you should turn up.

And you didn't.

And so you didn't get angry.

And so I didn't get punished.

-- Paul

4 found out I'm a one man guy :Þ | Spiel mit mir

[12 Apr 2003|12:12am]
[ mood | worried ]


You know our fish? How did they make the fish babies? Don't be sarcastic because I know they had sex >:( I just.... there's no.... there's no hole and no...erm... pole...

Onto other matters. If I were to spill blackcurrant juice on the carpet (not saying I have, mind you) but if I were to spill blackcurrant juice on the carpet - purely hypothetically - how would I get it out? Purely hypothetically of course, because I have not made that mistake.

Forever yours,
-- Paul

3 found out I'm a one man guy :Þ | Spiel mit mir

[29 Mar 2003|11:14pm]
Paul --

Seriously. This isn't funny anymore.


It was okay when you locked me out on the balcony with only a shower cap. And it was okay that time when you "forgot" I was tied to that chair and went out for the whole day. This is not okay. Give them back or I'll tell Till you put Draino in his fish tank that time.

Lovingly yours,
-- C.D.S.
1 found out I'm a one man guy :Þ | Spiel mit mir

[13 Mar 2003|12:59am]
[ mood | worried ]


All my clothes have gone! They were there in the corner by the door a few days ago and now they've gone :( I don't know where they are! Help, please. I don't have any other clothes to wear!

- Paul

3 found out I'm a one man guy :Þ | Spiel mit mir

[24 Feb 2003|11:02am]
Paul? What have you done with the dishwashing roster? And why do we have a novelty toilet seat? All of a sudden?

-- C.D.S.
3 found out I'm a one man guy :Þ | Spiel mit mir

[03 Feb 2003|01:23am]
[ mood | anxious ]

Dear Christoph,

You love me really... you didn't want those black jeans that much, did you...? I mean, you didn't like them or anything, did you? Not much...

Oh yes, I'm cooking tonight. :)

-- Paul

1 found out I'm a one man guy :Þ | Spiel mit mir

[28 Jan 2003|11:55am]
Dear Paul --

A short situational review for your perusal:

- I have a spoon stuck to my hair

- you have used all my Herbal Essences to clean the carpet after you dropped spaghetti on it

- there is syrup all over the kitchen floor

- your hand is now stuck to the spoon which is stuck to my head

- we are not going outside like this

- I don't care

1 found out I'm a one man guy :Þ | Spiel mit mir

[27 Jan 2003|08:44pm]
[ mood | content ]

I find it necessary to let you know that I am eating syrup straight from the jar. I am dipping my spoon into the jar, placing it in my mouth and eating it (not the spoon), and then replacing the spoon into the jar before repeating the motion of eating up all the syrup and licking the spoon clean. Yum.


1 found out I'm a one man guy :Þ | Spiel mit mir

[21 Jan 2003|11:27pm]
[ mood | very chirpy and intelligent ]

Dear Christoph,

[taken from a very clever website that tells you about names]
"The name of Christoph has given you a very anally retentive nature; attention to order and detail is of utmost importance to you, much to the annoyance of your partner, who probably believes that life is for living, and not cleaning or tidying up so much that you can see yourself in every item of furniture or electrical equipment. This brings us onto another point about the characteristics the name of Christoph has given you - vanity. No wonder everything reflects your face - you are obsessed with the way you look and insist on looking your best no matter where you are. 2 hours sleep the night before? No matter, that can be fixed with a bit of make-up. Sure, you won't look great, but it's your best. 2,0823528394 hour plane journey? Who cares?! What wonders make up can do! Your obsessiveness with being orderly also means that you need everything in its rightful place, and everything must be used for the purposes it is advertised for and nothing else. This includes using the computer to play DVDs (what's a DVD player for?!), using the mirror to reflect ugly people/people who make no effort with their appearance (why would they want to look at themselves?) and using the bath to wash trousers in, even if it is very large and useful for washing trousers in."

I hope you found that interesting, my love.

-- Paul x

1 found out I'm a one man guy :Þ | Spiel mit mir

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